Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
This meeting could have been a cake
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.