ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
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“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.