wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
North and South
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
When can I start eating bats again.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.