People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
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[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
finally
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.