We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Seems a bit forward
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Shoo shoo! 😂
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality