My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
You Might Also Like
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
How to wake up a Beagle
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.