[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
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Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
finally found a reasonable question
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Bike is short for Bichael.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults