Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
You Might Also Like
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.