Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Well, this certainly took a turn
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
live, laugh, laundry.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?