If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
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Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Traveler’s camo
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
When can I start eating bats again.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.