Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Not even remotely sorry.
Why soy sad?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Me when my alarm goes off
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?