well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”