I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
You Might Also Like
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
This could be us… but you playing
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’