Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
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“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off