if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
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*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
White parent Vs Arab parents
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.