[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
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This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Baking is just science you can eat.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.