*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
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* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
lmaaaaaooooooooo
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink