When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them