[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
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Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.