Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Butt weight. There’s more!
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money