FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”