friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
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How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.