Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
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Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
The news is so predictable nowadays
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
This could be us, but you weedin’.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I have questions??
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.