My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
no!! no!!!!!!
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?