Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Happy thanksgiving!
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?