Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
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“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal