I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
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A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Natural selection at its finest
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard