Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse