What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
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Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.