[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
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[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.