When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
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*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
What the hell happened here.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.