I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.