*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.