(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Waiting for the Charmin
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?