I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
You Might Also Like
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
The internet is magic sometimes.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome