I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
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Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
This probably isn’t good