8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?