If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
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If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars