M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.