Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev