[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Baller is short for ballerina
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!