me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
The cashier just checked me out.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.