When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
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I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I put the h in mysterious.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?