judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
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My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go