“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
You Might Also Like
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?