Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Finally, an explanation.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?