My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
emergency phone
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Good boy 😂😂
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more