I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today