BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
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If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Great acting.. 😂
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.