The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
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My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.